Aries: This season you should be thankful for what you're not getting- herpes.
Taurus: You make an ugly Christmas sweater look good. Unfortunately, this can lead to Uncle Jimmy making some awkward advances after his third eggnog.
Gemini: A moose will find its way to your home and destroy your living room.
Cancer: This year help out at a local soup kitchen. Your reward? A new drinking buddy.
Leo: Be weary of who you invite to eat dinner with you. They might just have the dead body of their mother shoved in their trunk.
Virgo: Don't forget that Christmas is really a celebration of Jesus' birthday. Throw him the party he deserves by inviting over virgins and drinking to excess.
Libra: There's no need to worry about not making Santa's nice list; he always wants you to be naughtier. It's disturbing.
Scorpio: If you see flashing lights, it's not your neighbor's decorations. The cops have been called on your family.
Sagittarius: Someone will give you all the gifts from the 12 days of Christmas. Although flattering, it is very inconvenient.
Capricorn: Remember the lyrics to "Mail Myself To You"? That package has been lost in the mail and you probably won't receive it until mid-June.
Aquarius: Going to mass on Christmas won't save your soul. Spend that time building an offensive snowman, letting your neighbors know how you really feel about winter.
Pisces: An unexpected encounter under the mistletoe will have you questioning your sexuality.
